6.11.2025

It's 8:40pm on June 10th, 2025 as I start to write this. My birthday is tomorrow, June 11th. I turn 21 in almost four hours.

That's a bit of a dramatic start. But I'm sitting here on the floor of my temporary residence on the eve of my 21st birthday and really just thinking... what the fuck ??? I'm back in my hometown now, staying with a friend while I try really really hard to scrape together enough money to get a place of my own. Probably with my other, best friend. It's really weird, being back after two years of living halfway across the country. I've been here for about a week and a half now, and it still doesn't feel super real? Like I'm going to wake up and all of a sudden and I'm back in my ex's house and my 6am alarm is going off because I'm still at the job I quit over a month ago for the sake of this move. But it is real and I am here !!!

21 is kind of insane for me because I really, really didn't think I would get to see this day. I'm American which basically means that I've reached the age where I can do basically everything, which my wonderful girlfriend has bullied me about for ages, and I really like. Thought I would be dead by this point? So serious? Like every year post like my 17th birthday really is a year I didn't think I'd get to see because a younger me really expected to have killed myself by the age of 17 but I... haven't. I'm still here. I'm still here and I'm turning 21 and it's so fucking crazy actually because I didn't expect to be!!!!! But honestly now that I have reached this point it's like. I feel like I can do anything. If I can move across the country twice and make it to the legal drinking age and have a handful of people reply to my job applications and have friends then I can really do like. Anything. I've been seriously thinking about going to college again. I haven't properly considered it since before I moved. I mean, I played around with the idea, but I've never looked into it so much like I have now. Two years ago, I didn't think I'd be able to amount to enough to be able to even get in let alone survive and graduate.

Now, I think I could do it! Really! I have a plan, I think, I know what I want to do (secret for now, though!) and I've been talking to the friend I'm living with and some of my family and I'm actually formulating a proper plan for my future and it's so scary but I have more faith in myself than ever before.

It's really weird. Birthdays are always really weird.

It's 9:40pm now. Wow.

5.14.2025

It's been a while since I sat down and wrote one of these. I've been doing a lot of sitting down at my computer, but I haven't really had the motivation to just sit down and write about my thoughts and life I guess. Not much energy either. I finished my time at my job last week, my last day was on Friday, the 9th. It was a fairly nice and easy day, one of my coworkers brought in a treat for the other TAs in our classroom because it was my last day. It was really sweet. Since then, I've been slowly making progress in packing all of my belongings that I can in preparation for my move, which is happening later this month. I'm excited, and very nervous.

I've very much been following a same-old routine for the past few months. Work, come home, draw or game, ignore the impending feelings of doom in regards to my current life situation. I'll figure it out. I'm in a constant state of "I'll figure it out" lately, and I feel like it's going to bite me in the ass at some point soon. It's terrifying, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now. I've been feeling really introspective lately, i think because of this, but in general the conclusion is the same. I don't regret moving here, despite the situation becoming what it's become. At the end of the day, the decisions I made were mine, and I've learned, and I've had good experiences throughout it all, so I can't bring myself to regret it. Still, it is a bit hard to not be bitter towards myself anyways. I don't regret it, but if I'd thought things through more, would I not have probably ended up making different decisions? Maybe I would still be back in my hometown, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here surrounded by boxes and half-packed belongings, thousands of miles and a minimum of 11 hours a flight away from where I want to be right now. I just want to go home, really.

Aside from packing and living life to the best I can right now, there's a few less stressful things that have been going on for me as well. I've managed to find enjoyment in playing games again, and the energy to do such. I've gotten back into consistently playing a total of four games in the span of the past few months, three of them happening concurrently in the span of a single week, haha... in February I started playing Cookie Run again, lured back by the promises of more Pure Vanilla Cookie content and a new ship to fixate on. To nobody's surprise, I feel, I've taken a big interest in ShadowVanilla, who have been invading my every thought since I found out about the existence of such a ship. Oh, this sort of dynamic is just perfect for me... Though, I've also gotten back into playing Identity V, Genshin Impact, and Honkai Star Rail as well. HSR is a game I've been playing more often than the other two lately, I've been more on and off than straight up just not playing, but cameos of my favorite characters/regions/storylines in the other two games have managed to suck me back in for better or worse. Star Rail has continued to greedily steal away most of my free time and attention, though... the new world's storyline, which I'm finally catching up on, is incredible and hits quite nostalgically in the greek tragedy of it all, since I've had a strong interest in greek mythology since I was a child. Not to mention, the character designs are immaculate... I will admit, I was drawn back for one specifically, Anaxa, who has been so generous as to come home twice and bring his lightcone with, hehe... I think my plan will to be to E6 him over time as possible.

Though, I won't go into another long ramble about my interests and favorite characters this time. I think I may just save those for when I eventually begin making my shrine pages...

Last post I made, I discussed a phone that I had bought and was waiting for it to arrive. It did end up arriving, actually, and is super duper cute! Though, it doesn't necessarily suit my needs as a daily driver, i still really like it, and am glad to have it! I'll do a full review of it at some point, I think, when I get to play with it a bit more. Since I've gotten it, I've learned a lot more about how to use and optimize these phones that don't necessarily operate properly in the current day for whatever reason (such as old operating systems, storage limits, etc.) so I think I can use this knowledge to play with it more and formulate a more thorough opinion aside from "it's super cute and I love cute phones!!!" haha!

In the wake of this, and my still burning desire for a cute but slightly more modern flip to use as my daily, I've properly turned to the world of Japanese keitais, which I had dipped my toes in while looking around before I decided on the LG Wine Smart D486 that I'd decided on purchasing last time, and finally settled on a Kyocera KY-42C!! While not necessarily the phone I intended on going with when I began my search for phones once again, I definitely don't regret the purchase at all! It's super cute, and runs on android 10 instead of... I believe it was android 4 that the LG Wine runs on. It serves my needs much more, I think, and figuring out how to use it has been a lot of fun. There's still a few things I need to do before I can use it daily, but I've been slowly preparing it for when I will be able to..! Overall, I don't regret it at all, and I'm very excited for when I will be able to fulfil my dream of using a flip phone proper... <3

Ahh, I think I need to go back to packing now... writing this was nice, though. I think writing things out helps to get them off my shoulders, even if there's nobody to really listen. I think I need to get myself more comfortable with the idea that I don't need to make these long, well-written posts every time, because I think I'd update a lot more if I broke free from that constraint I have on myself HAHA. Anyways, thank you for reading! Have a good night everyone.

1.23.2025

Finally getting started on this website has been something really fun and cathartic for me, in a time where I need that sort of time consuming hobby to get myself to stop worrying that my friends hate me or something. HAHA I know that's an insane thing to start off with, but it's been a really big worry! I know that it's not true, but... sometimes, it feels like it may be.

I think I just need to properly come to terms with the fact that we aren't always going to be hanging out every night, especially when our interests aren't currently aligned. It's hard to think about when it's a habit I've gotten myself into, but I think alleviating that by spending time with other friends instead may help... spending time with people who I haven't in a while is good for me anyways LMFAO.

Things have been really rough for me, lately. Since September really, I think? They're getting better, slowly, but shit just keeps fucking happening and slowing down my progress and it's really frustrating. Trying to figure out the nuances of moving on my own, the shit with the government going on right now (fuck that imperial orange motherfucker) is also really upsetting, and my own mental state being in the trash right now is making this uphill struggle even steeper. At least, I think that the new job I'm getting for the last few months I live here may help. I don't think working nights was ever for me.

This doesn't make a lot of sense if you don't know all the context, I think. I don't really care. I don't really expect anyone to even be looking at this section anyways HAHAHA not that I mind if you do. I wouldn't put this on my website if I did! But for those of you who are reading this, Hi, hello :)!! Just for you, I'll talk about something a bit lighter. (Also, because I just want to yap.)

I've been getting really big into Ace Attorney, lately! I haven't played any of the games yet, but I've been watching playthroughs of the first trilogy, and watching my friend play Apollo Justice sometimes after work (we call it trauma bonding. what the hell happens in these games!!!) Funnily enough, for both of these trilogies, I didn't even start in the beginning... In Apollo Justice, I got sat straight in the middle I think? Because my friend already had progressed in their playthrough and I didn't want to make them start all over. In the original trilogy, I started pretty much at the end actually, with Trials and Tribulations, because there was a very specific pair of characters that drew me into this series in the first place and I wanted to see them!! It was absolutely worth it, actually. The first case I ever watched was the Stolen Turnabout, where I encountered the Delites that I started the series for, and met and fell in love with Godot, who was a very welcome surprise. I thought Miles Edgeworth was supposed to be the main prosecutor, at that point!

That first case was really fun though, and I think a really good place for me to start, even if it was a wild one. And also in the middle of the series. It motivated me to get more involved and watch more playthroughs, and I basically consumed the entirety of Trials and Tribulations and the other necessary cases I needed to watch for context to understand my Ultimate Goal: Bridge To The Turnabout.

Ohh, and I'm so glad I did. Bridge to the Turnabout was a proper masterpiece that I haven't stopped thinking about since I first watched it, and if it weren't for the extensive length (8+ hours!!!) and the fact that I have other cases to finish watching now, I would go back and rewatch it. Over and over again. It's like when I first watched Howl's Moving Castle, rented from my local library, and I stayed up in the living room to watch it 4, 5 times before I was finally satisfied enough to go to bed. I'm the type to get fixated on a media like that, a specific part of a media even, and it's really showing itself here. Bttb was so fucking good. I'll have to watch the anime version of it when I have the time, but I think that's a plan to complete with my friend who also wants to watch the anime.

Ugh. For a moment when writing this, I was so caught up in the wonders of Ace Attorney and Bridge To The Turnabout that I blissfully forgot that I have to get ready for work in 3 hours. Can I please get a regular job?! I hate working at night!!! Or just live my best unemployed life... I wish I could just sit around and draw all day... q-q

1.27.2025

Blog, it's me again.

I've been wanting to write this entry for like, two days, now, but I keep getting distracted and/or busy. (Literally, after writing that sentence, I got a notification that a package I've been waiting for arrived and went to go get that...) There's a lot of things that have happened in the few days since my last post, haha! I've gotten... a lot further into my ace attorney fixation, I've been drawing a lot of my oc as of late! It's been helping me figure out how i want to play with my artstyle... That's been something that I've struggled with lately ;-; but I think I've figured something out that I really like and have fun with..!! It's super simple, and it looks really good. Maybe I'll post a few examples... <-- much to think about HAHA. I definitely need to work on my art page though ~ I wanna showcase all the fun things I've drawn!

Oh, it's really windy out right now, I'm kind of worried it's gonna knock the power out and I'm going to lose all of this but it's okay. I'm actually writing this in a writing app with auto save now, so hopefully it's not an issue. Really, it's just that there's a big tree in the yard right in front of my window, and seeing it buffeted around by such harsh winds is kind of spooky. Makes me wish I didn't have to go to work... I have an hour, more or less, til I need to get ready. I don't want to !!!! I really, really can't wait to start my new job...! Which, I did secure one! Actually, it was in the talks before my last post, even, I just had to wait to see if my interview went well and then had to do all the new hire paperwork. But, I start Monday! It's really different from anything I've done before, but I'm excited nonetheless. It'll fix my sleep schedule, I think, though I've been doing pretty good on that front for a little bit now! I'll just be like... even better with it. Out of necessity. Because instead of working at night, or the evening at least, I have to wake up early enough to be there by 8 am. But that's okay!! I really like waking up earlier, even if it means I have to go to bed earlier. I can't wait to see how long that opinion lasts, haha, but it'll ultimately be way better than this nighttime schedule I have going on where I work minimum wage, 20 hours a week max, and make like, nothing, and I'm miserable throughout the day because I dread the idea of going to work.

I really, really didn't need to be finding a new job now of all times, considering the days until I move are counting down quicker and quicker by the month, but I want my last days here to be ones that don't fill me with complete misery, yeah? I'm sure someone out there understands. Shout out to you, random citizen! Sorry. These references aren't really funny. Anyways. I can't wait for next week... waking up super early will be an experience for sure, but hopefully one that won't be... awful. I absolutely hated waking up earlier than noon back when I was in high school, or for my old job before i moved up to where I live currently, but I definitely, really, really hate waking up later more. (My only problem is that I would also stay up so obscenely late that *that* is what made waking up at 6, 7 am so miserable in the first place..)

(I keep getting distracted........ Obviously, you readers aren't going to notice that, but it keeps happening..!!)

I had a few goals that I wanted to accomplish over the weekend that I... don't think I managed to get around to. But that's okay!! I can always try again. I want to get back into properly writing again, not just roleplaying (which, is absolutely 'proper writing', trust me, but i mean more of the individual sort of writing where I have to come up with everything myself...

I seem to be doing a lot of waiting, lately. Sometimes, I wonder if it's something that is really beneficial to me. But, at the same time, I can't see any other thing to do. I try to strike out and be proactive when I can, but I have so little energy for things nowadays, and it just seems much easier to *wait.* But, I wonder sometimes, aren't I just wasting my time and life away by doing that? Everything seems like it's going by too fast, but at the same time, too slow. I'm getting older by the day, my birthday is 4 months away instead of 6 months, 10 months, a year, and the days feel like they're blurring together all the same sometimes with no regard to anything I wish to preserve. Everything is too fast, except for the things I truly wish would hurry their way towards me. It feels like waiting is the only thing I can do, when I can't seem to catch up to anything else. I hope that one day I can be more proactive in my own life. I fear I'm one of those tragic cases of someone not expecting to make it past 16, past 18, and have no idea what to do with their lives ever. Except, I never knew? I don't think. I wasn't even planning on dying or anything, actually, I just didn't think I would possibly make it past 18. but I did! I'm here now! Almost 21, and I still... don't know. What to do about it.

I thought I had my life figured out this time last year, and yet! A single conversation ruined that entire prospective future. But... as depressing as it is, how upsetting the thought of letting everything pass me by is, there's still some hope. If I can just... wait a little bit longer, I can pick myself up properly. Get a new start. The best time to change your life is *now*, but i think a second best time would be okay. For me. Even if it does take a while.

2.9.2025

As I start to write this, the time has only just hit 6pm, and yet it feels like it's 10. I was in the middle of doing my laundry, and for a moment I began freaking out a little bit because I thought I wouldn't have time to finish it before I went to bed because I forgot to start it earlier. Then I looked at my phone to start the timer, and it was only 5pm..! It's in part me still being used to a later schedule I think, as well as not doing very much so I don't have very much energy this weekend... Ugh, I'm really sleepy and keep yawning, but I can't lay down just yet. On account of the laundry. And, because, it's only 6 pm and if I go to sleep too early I'll wake up and then not be able to go back to sleep in time to have a proper and good amount of rest for work.

(Watch me fall asleep at my desk actual;ly...... )

Speaking of - I did start my new job <33 This past week was my first week, and I was really nervous, but I think it went well! I definitely need to be more disciplined with myself in terms of making things work and making sure I'm paying attention to what I need to be, but it wasn't an awful first week. I think this coming week will be alright too, there's a lot of school events going on right now (I work at a school..! I don't think I'll go into too many details just because I'm working with kids/teens and I don't want to talk about them online yk.) so this week will be a little fun as well, and then the week after that I have a break for the entire week! I'm really hoping I can get some productive things done. Cleaning, organizing things both irl and in my technological spaces (like phone and computer stuff...), completing a few things I need for work... Um. Hopefully. I want to try and get some writing done too, though I did say this last post, and talked about how I said I wanted to do that and then Did Not. But! Like I said. I can try, and if it doesn't pan out, it doesn't pan out, and that's okay.

(^ got insane distracted after finishing this paragraph. tired... started scrolling on socmeds. i have to stop doing that)

My incessant need to constantly be on social medias and talking to people is something I really want to get a hold of... like, there's nothing wrong with me having people online I like to talk to and there's nothing wrong with me engaging in the content that I like to consume via social medias, *in moderation.* Unfortunately, it is hard for me to moderate myself when it's so easy to just open my phone and scroll... It's hard to resist at work, particularly, but that's !!!! Something I am trying to work on. It's a culmination of issues that I have, attention wise especially, I've noticed.

On a similar note, I bought a flip phone the other day! Waiting for it to arrive now. It's one of those smart phones, I do believe the specific phone I've bought myself is the LG Wine Smart D486... I had a few options I was looking at, but my ultimate decision was this one <3 it's super cute, and I can't wait til I have it and have it working..!! I was thinking about buying a new phone (""new"", in quotes, because I try to buy all of my phones and even other electronics second hand) entirely, but since what I have works perfectly functional, I really don't need to. If there's anything I need to buy electronic-wise, it's a new laptop... Anyways! I'll absolutely be posting about the phone when I get it, will probably include pictures and stuff. Maybe a little first-look review? I don't know. We'll see!

Short post today, I'd wanted to write more, but I am quite sleepy and have other things I want to focus on. Might work on some other pages... much to think about.